My Quarter Life Crisis

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve updated this blog.  In just a few days, I will be turning 25 years old; a quarter of a century.  And it has got me very much worried about the future.

Let me rewind and update you on 2012 as a whole.  I ended a relationship that didn’t have a future in June, which had me bummed for most of the summer.  We were talking about the future, planning for a vacation, and I think that’s when we realized that it wasn’t going anywhere.  In hindsight, I actually still had feelings for someone from my past.

Over the summer, I had one of the most amazing experiences, working for Boston University as a visiting scholar, where I worked on “Team Space Teachers” to educate the future generation about near space.  My summer was actually well documented, but I never got around to sharing that information here… http://www.newscienceteacher.com.  I actually never got around to updating the last week, and lost all the saved blog posts, but it’s still pretty complete.

My best friend from high school, Jim, got me super cheap tickets to London, where I had a great time couchsurfing and I can’t do it justice without writing out everything, so i’ll just stop talking about it here.

I started out year 2 at Pioneer Valley Regional School as the 9th grade Biology teacher, and year 2 is leaps and bounds easier than year 1.  Everything curriculum-wise makes sense, and I adapted my Philosophy of Education to teaching how to interpret information.  I actually model my classroom after my University of Massachusetts Introductory Biology class, with Professor Zane Barlow-Coleman.

I took over additional responsibilities at school, including Publicity Coordinator and Assistant Band Director.  And it’s awesome to work with other students and faculty in a different role, because I learn a lot that I might have otherwise missed.

But winter break 2012 came.  I went home, and had a great holiday with family.  But, besides family, there isn’t much for me in Gardner anymore.  My friends all live elsewhere, and I couldn’t catch up with anyone.  And like I said a few year ago, when I go home, I don’t know what has changed more- home or me.

And then it happened; the girl that I convinced myself was my dream girl from almost 3 years ago and I hung out again.  And you know what?  Nothing changed there.  I still care about her; she still cares about me.  But the reality of living 6 hours apart is that it’s too difficult to start a relationship.  And it’s frustrating, because in some parallel universe we probably could be together if there wasn’t 6 hours.  I don’t want to go visit once a month/ constantly using Skype.  I don’t want that life.

And the difficult part is that we’re both happy where we are.  If she were unhappy, I’d be all “come here!”  If I were unhappy, I’d move there.  But we’re both doing what we want to do.

New Years Eve was the same party I’ve been going to since Ireland.  And this year, I realized I didn’t want to be at that sort of party again.  I didn’t belong there.  And I have a tradition of watching The O.C. scene where Ryan runs to Marissa for the New Years Kiss.  I was at one party and the girl I formerly mentioned was at another down the street.  I tried for this moment, and I failed.  I didn’t make it.

On the walk back to my apartment, I realized that the universe’s plans don’t make sense.  As I thought about that, I realized that I depend too much on the universe to work things out, rather than go out and do it.  Well, just in a relationship sense.  And then I had a sad realization about “the one.”  I’ve lost faith in it existing…so much so that I tweeted and compared it to the existence of Santa Clause.

I’m sitting here now, on the 6th day of January, and feel a little like Tom Hansen from 500 Days of Summer.  And it’s a feeling I think a lot of people have sometimes, but it’s taking its toll on me right now.  I feel that I’m just floating along right now, with very little sense of purpose.  I know that my job is important; I know that I make a difference.  But I can’t escape the feeling that I don’t.